“You have every right to be angry right now, you were almost to the finish line and someone cut the rope for you before you even reached it, saying here you can just have it.”
I wrote the word ‘graduation’ across the date months ago. I crossed it out on April 14, and my calendar wasn’t long enough to write it again.
Four years ago I was terrified to be going off on my own for the first time in my life. Today, I just don’t feel like celebrating. None of this has felt like an accomplishment lately, it just feels like busy work to keep yourself from going stir crazy.
We reached a finish line that was basically handed to us on a silver platter.
Sure, we get to look forward to having a graduation next year. A hopeful moment in the chaos. I’ll be graduating with all of my friends instead of just the ones in my year. But it gets overshadowed by the assumption that none of your friends are going to come back for some ceremony that is no longer important a year later.
It’s a terrifying thought that keeps haunting me in my sleep.
And it sucks that I have been nothing but angry these last few weeks about something that I have to wait another year for. But you can’t blame me for being angry. You can’t keep telling me I should just be happy it’s over and think that makes everything okay.
It’s not okay, it’ll never be okay.
I have every right to be validated in my anger. I didn’t work through literal blood, sweat and tears for four years just to be handed the prize with a pat on the back. Good job, sport!
I’m just tired of being angry at this point. I’m tired of the “it’ll happen next year” comments. As much as I’m grateful for all the congratulations, it just makes me feel sad and I’m tired of crying.
I know all of this is supposed to be in good spirits, and meant to be a happy note in this chaotic year. But it just doesn’t feel that way right now. I know it will eventually, but for today, it just feels like another day in the sea of months.
So all I can say right now, is thank you for the congratulations, it’s greatly appreciated. I know you want us to feel proud of ourselves, just know we’re also feeling a lot of other ways as well.
And to all my classmates, we made it guys. From late night workroom parties freshman year to finding our voices sophomore year. We struggled through junior year, and we kicked ass with our senior thesis work. We've created a family throughout these past four years, and I'm so grateful that I found you.
We have found our own ways to celebrate each other in the last few weeks, and I hope we will all continue to stick together in the chaos until next year comes. I know I’m proud of us, and we’ll definitely celebrate in person as soon as we can.
With love, Jayne.
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